


the sunken place

by sleep_pronoia (nap_princess)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Bad Ending, Best Friends, Gen, Grief, Loss, Minor Character Death, fics based on my real life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 21:18:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15494892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nap_princess/pseuds/sleep_pronoia
Summary: Her best friend dresses well like he wants to be prepared, as if he's going to attend important things anytime now; formal events and gatherings and, perhaps, even a funeral. A gut feeling tells her she has to be prepared too.





	the sunken place

**the sunken place**

* * *

Filing up your life with different activities doesn't mean you miss them less, it just means you have less time to miss them.

–  **Jen Ruggirello**

* * *

She looks at her best friend and a part of her can't really imagine him as a boy because he's so mature. Like she could never see him in a graphic t-shirt, taking naps or having crackers and juice as a snack. She looks at him and sees collared shirts and comb back hair and polished shoes.

They're in their early twenties now. Not exactly fresh out of high school, she's working now while he's still drowning in deadlines and textbooks.

She looks at him like he's not secretly an anime nerd like her. Nevertheless, she doesn't think she could ever imagine him without that deep voice and without that leadership and without that responsibility that grew as they grew themselves. Although, she  _could_ imagine him, picture him long ago as a child holding a little briefcase and wearing a clip-on-tie.

She thinks he's changed so much – too much – since he went off to college. He relies heavily on schedules like he's afraid he'd run out of time, like he won't be able to fit things in if he delays them. He dresses well like he wants to be prepared, as if he's going to attend important things anytime now; formal events and gatherings and, perhaps, even a funeral.

A gut feeling tells her she has to be prepared too.

* * *

"Study hard," His mum had said.

And he wonders why his mother always tells him to study but never tells him how much she loves him.

* * *

They're best friends but she rarely sees him. In some way, it's understandable because she's got a job and he's miles away at some college. He only comes back during breaks, like the ones during Christmas and Easter and Summer. But even then with him being near her, she thinks he's still oh-so far away.

* * *

"Oh, you're listening to the _Anohana_  opening song." She states when she walks into her room where he is using his laptop. She doesn't even bother to knock because it is  _her_ room after all. His laptop is blasting out a song called  _Aoi Shiori_  by a disband group,  _Galileo Galilei_.

"What?" He asks, pausing his music.

"You know?  _Anohana_? The anime about the group of kids who are haunted by their dead friend. The one with really pale hair. The ghost girl's name was Menma. I told you about it once, it's such an old anime. 2011, I think?"

"I've never watched it." He states. "I just found the song coincidentally and you just recognized it."

"Ah," She voices.

After a while, he turns to look at her and asks, "Isn't  _Anohana_  a really sad anime?"

"Yeah but I still think you should watch it." She says.

And he makes a face because he doesn't have time. He doesn't have time to watch anime freely anymore. He  _is_ in the middle of his reading while editing his essay. Christmas break isn't really Christmas 'break'. Music's just being played for background noise. Being a college student sucks, he wishes he was working like his best friend was.

"Maybe," He finally answers.

"That anime made me cry so much." She adds like it's needed.

There is a slight pause then he speaks up.

"Then I don't want to watch it." He tells her and turns back to face his laptop.

"What? Why? It's a good anime,"

"I know." He says and she thinks his voice is too soft now. "I know, I saw the reviews, but I don't ever want you to see me cry."

She looks at him and thinks there's something he doesn't want to tell her.

* * *

His parents own and works at a convenience store. They're all independent and hard-working to the point where their only son finds himself mostly eating dinner alone (and breakfast and lunch). He doesn't think he has any memories of sitting down and having one family meal,  _ever._

So sometimes, they both go out and eat together. Just a pair of best friends. It's Easter break, it's Spring but he doesn't think he likes the sight of flowers blooming.

She doesn't know why he's not telling her things because she's told him about her boyfriend and her embarrassing moments and her irrational fears. It's not like he's ever shied away before. He's told her about his crushes on funny boys and smart girls and, that one time on how he broke his leg (a misfortune trampoline accident).

Right now, she's able to coax him to tell her about his day which shouldn't be hard. At least, it shouldn't be a hard thing to plead for. She just wants to know about his well-being.

Currently, he's telling her how he broke the corner of his kitchen counter after trying to open a beer bottle. And when she asks if he got in trouble, he said that he had to confessed to his father on how it happened and how he drinks now.

"You drink?" She asks, equally surprised.

"Yeah," He says and shrugs, pushing food into his mouth.

She guesses stereotypes about people drinking in college were true. TV over-exaggerates but it doesn't always lie. She asks him, "What about your mum?"

"What?" He questions back through it sounds strangled.

"Didn't you tell your mum? About the counter, I mean."

He smiles back as if it was an answer itself but it's a tight grin.

Ever since leaving for his studies, the amount of happiness in his expression has been measured. Like he was afraid that if he was  _too_  happy then something will come and ruin it. Something bad. Something that's foul and awful and soul crushing. She doesn't think she's seen him laugh openly in a long time.

"No," He says. "She's too busy sleeping. I can't tell a sleeping person."

She cocks her head, reading him. She knows that his parents are always tired after managing the convince store. She knows that they go straight to bed without checking up on him. She knows how lonely he is and how estrange he feels.

So she takes a sip of her Coke and replies, "Okay then."

* * *

"I can't go out today." He says to her after she tells him she wants to go eat ice-cream and chill.

"What? Why?" She asks with a frown after she barged into his room, his house, that's always empty.

"I'm busy,"

"You've been lazy all month and you choose today to be busy?" She complains.

He says he doesn't have time for her or anime or any activity but he's not busy studying anymore so what gives? He finished his final exam ages ago back in May, it's June now. He sat through his tests faster than all the other students and she  _really_  looked forward to all the time they could have spent time together. But he's not spending time with her. He just sits there in his room and she wonders if he misses burying his head under pages of all those readings. It's almost like Stockholm Syndrome but with textbooks and the life of a masochist student.

Why is he always leaving so little time for himself anyways? She feels like there's barely enough time to breathe, much less think.

"I'm busy." He repeats.

She asks with a click of the tongue, "With what?"

"It's an anniversary date today." He says after licking his lips.

"Anniversary? Which one?"

"My mum's."

"Huh?"

And he finally says it, "She died last Summer. Two days after I had written my concession form about my concerns on my exams and right after you got your internship. She had been sick since December but I never told you."

And in some way, she feels like she just died a little too.

"What?" She voices though it feels more like disbelief than a question. "I … I'm sorry. It's been a year – It's been – Why didn't you tell me?"

He looks away from her eyes then looks at her finger with an engagement ring on it. He remembers the happy pictures on  _Instagram_  and the official status posted on  _Facebook_. They've been busy. Busy busy busy with him and his college work and her with her job and her fiancé.

She's happy and he's not. It's just a fact and he's not going to rain on her parade for his misery. He's in a sunken place – the sunken place – where depression eats him up alive and he doesn't know if he can do this anymore. There are bruises under his eyes, he's so tired. So exhausted. But he's got to busy himself with his studies because if he takes a break, if he stops for just a split second, he'll remember. He'll remember about his mum and her death and how she's not at home but that's okay because she never was home anyways back when she was alive. She was always at the convenient store, smiling at customers and not at him. Always working like his best friend. And he doesn't know if he's sad because he misses her or because he missed an opportunity to know her while she was still breathing.

He says, "I couldn't."

* * *

**end**

**Author's Note:**

> Kinda a self-reflection rather than a random fictional story.  
> – 6 October 2017


End file.
